Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of The Groove

Welcome. Bienvenido. Bienvenue.

There is so much happening in our country and the world. In this time of upheaval and divisiveness, our readers are shouting from the rafters that their need for The Groove is greater than ever. Right here, right now, The Groove will disassemble, sort out, reassemble, process, and provide comprehensive analyses of the critical issues festering all around the globe and beyond (have you tried the Beyond Meat™ burger?). Our goal is nothing short of an exemplary relationship with our loyal readers—a bond of complete trust that can be summed up as: You need us; we need you to need us. As always, and most importantly; without rambling, self-indulgent introductions, or preambles; and without wasting even a second of your time; AND without predictable, boring, redundant clichés; we will dive immediately into the heart, the meat and potatoes, the crux, the bottom line of each of these often overwhelming, complex, polarizing topics.

Tommy and Rachie are hyperaware that many musicians post photos of their gear (guitars, horns, drums, keyboards, etc.) set up at the venue where their gig is, referring to it as their “office.” We thought this metaphor was funny the first time we saw it. The next eleven million times were, to put it mildly, not funny. Pardon our bluntness—after all, this is The Groove—but one innate characteristic of a joke is that it isn’t funny over and over again. (By the way, we’re not completely sure that’s true.) This will be hard for some people to accept, but T and R believe that if you are someone who makes a joke again and again (and we’re trying to be sensitive here), then you might consider not pursuing a career in comedy. However, regarding jokes themselves, there is one exception (and we’re well aware that this is controversial, although it shouldn’t be), and that exception IS: “That’s what she said.” THAT joke, if executed properly (which isn’t hard [that’s what she said]), is ALWAYS funny, WAS always funny, and will always BE funny. Not only that—it continues to get funnier. It is, much like air-conditioning, a gift from God, not to mention evidence that God has a great sense of humor. (That’s right, loyal readers. The Groove has just thoroughly and successfully tackled the eternally-debated subjects of God and religion.)

Also, speaking of people’s “offices,” many people—primarily people younger than Tommy Boy (i.e., most people)—are under the unfortunate misconception that “that’s what she said” began on the TV show The Office. You see (tip of the hat to Miriam), Tommy Boy remembers the first time he heard the joke, decades before The Office. It was uttered by a friend and fellow percussion colleague from his NYC days...fanfare here...John Leister. They were at a rehearsal, in their “office,” and John noticed the setup for the joke and, without pause, inserted it perfectly (that’s what she said). Eternal gratitude to JL for that! Also, for those wondering if T & R are aware that TWSS might be interpreted as misogynistic, they (we) are.

And now, The Groove is proud to present a brand-new segment:

Important/Unimportant

When swimming laps for exercise, you might wonder if it’s better to swim a particular distance, OR to swim for a particular length of time. Rachie and Tommy feel that your decision here is UNIMPORTANT.

On the other hand, when swimming, you might find yourself sharing a lane. In this situation you should make a supreme effort to remain in your half of the lane. Besides avoiding unsolicited bodily contact, or one of you getting smacked or kicked, you want your lane partner to feel that you are cognizant of their presence and their space. The Groove (T & R) maintains that this is IMPORTANT.

PRE-Grooving

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Only.
Only who?
Only the most highly acclaimed, well-respected blog in [insert name of your country here].

Aloha, Greetings, and Hello, readers who might be surprised that Tommy Boy and Rachie Pie are back in their blogging saddles, grooving and grooving hard, with their long-awaited new installment of [insert fanfare music] The Groove! Thank you, thank you, thank you, readers, for your robust, unwavering loyalty throughout our brief, five-year hiatus. (We looked up “hiatus” to make sure it was the appropriate word and that we were spelling it right.) However, if you are reading The Groove for the first time, expressions of gratitude for robust, unwavering loyalty don’t apply. Rather, we wholeheartedly welcome you to The Groove with the hollow words, Welcome to The Groove! Readers of The Groove have known since a year or two after the Big Bang that The Groove is the concise, snappy, to-the-point, waste-no-words, hard-hitting, succinct, multi-award-winning, groove-based, highbrow blog where IT ALL GOES DOWN!!! But first it goes UP, which we definitely consider unimportant, and which is actually not even true. And speaking of getting right to the point, several of the critical topics we’ll be covering in today’s installment are [drum roll] Movies, Jicama, Is Ringo a good drummer? and A world where locks aren’t necessary.


And now, welcome to Critic’s Corner, where The Groove’s in-house film critics, Tommy and Rachie Pie, present:

Tips On Reviewing A Movie

When you are critiquing, or would like to critique, a movie you’ve just seen, start by asking yourself, “Was that movie about the power of love?” Then, answer the question in a complete sentence. For example, “That movie was about the power of love.” That’s it! You have reviewed a movie.

Hey! Speaking of movie reviews, when Tommy and Rachie go to the movies, they make sure they are in their seats before the previews begin. (Previews are before the movie, and we are seated before the previews, AND “pre” means “before”!) Then, as the previews are shown, using the time-honored thumbs-up, thumbs-down, thumbs-anyplace-in-between rating method, they (said film critics, Tommy and Rachie) silently indicate how much they want or don’t want to see each movie.

In the next Critic’s Corner, esteemed film critics Tommy and Rachie will host a round-table discussion in which they and their ethnically, racially, sexually, religiously, and generationally diverse panel of guests will brainstorm, bat around, kick around, chew over, thrash out, and hash out fresh, controversial, revolutionary ideas for...Additional Tips on Reviewing a Movie.


We would like to close with one of The Groove’s most popular segments:

The Groove Gets Personal

Readers of The Groove are often surprised to learn that, considering what it takes to publish an edgy, incisive, hard-hitting blog (The Groove, duh), Tommy and Rachie Pie actually have other jobs.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, The Groove!

Greetings, Groovsters, and welcome to a new, 2015 edition of the Groove.

You may be thinking: Why The Groove?

Or:

Why, The Groove?

Or:

Why, The Groove!

All excellent questions, unless they aren’t excellent, and unless you consider the one that’s not a question to be not a question. But just how can one determine excellence? Hellooooooo . . . T H E   G R O O V E !!!

Today’s installment will not address “mission statements.” Our last installment, Groovinson, beat that subject into the ground.

One time the Groove accidentally wrote “The GROVE” instead of “The Groove.” It worked out because people have positive associations with groves.

Straight ahead (haha, TV news anchors say that a lot)—Politics Groove-style, featuring a very important story about……..………blogs!

POLITICS GROOVE-STYLE

Blogger's Law, Shmlogger's Law!

It has come to the Groove’s attention that Russian president Vladimir V. Putin, in an effort to stifle dissenting points of view, has implemented a so-called “blogger’s law.” Popular online voices are required to register with the government, which can then easily track, redact, and censure content. Obviously, The Groove is outraged by this, takes it very seriously, and will address it accordingly.

CELEBRITY CORNER

Kickin' It with Anne Hathaway in New York

Peter Bruun, long-time friend of the Groove and poster of ingenious Groove “comments,” was recently in New York visiting his mother. As they were getting on the elevator in his mother’s building, Anne Hathaway, who also lives in the building, was exiting the elevator. She held the elevator door for them and said, “Have a good one.”

Kickin' It with Anne Hathaway in New Jersey

Meredith Hoffmann-Thomson, daughter of Paul Hoffmann (friend of The Groove and member of The Hoffmann/Goldstein Duo), was a high-school classmate and friend of Anne Hathaway in New Jersey.

The Groove would like to set forth that it is not our style to have a story about something such as there being a big change in the percentage of people who take a gap year between high school and college.

At this point, a lot of readers are thinking things like: “I love the Groove,” and “The Groove just totally NAILED IT!” The Groove is fully aware of that because the Groove knows it has an international readership comprising brilliant, sophisticated people worldwide—scholars interested in ­­the complete story, with all its thorniness, complexity, and nuances. Groove readers are galvanized by the no-holds-barred reporting style of Tommy and Rachie, old-school newsies who are one hundred percent committed, in every post, every article, to solid, hard-hitting journalism! Long live the Groove!

And finally, The Groove is ambivalent as to whether or not to say “Happy New Year” to its readers. Without going into why we’re ambivalent, even though some readers might want to know, we’ve decided to just BRING IT:

Happy and healthy 2015, Groovsters! From Tommy and Rachie. (And, of course, keep it real!)

Groovinson

The Groove’s mission statement is clear. LOL—we don’t have a mission statement, but if we had one we’d want it to say that we will not waste our readers’ time with wordy explanations, gratuitous introductions, digressions, asides, redundancies, lists, etc. So . . . LET’S GROOVE!

What is The Groove? Duh! It’s a blog. There are other fine literary forms besides blogs—poetry, for example. Some feel that poetry is at least on a par with blogging.

We can now begin to address the day-to-day, meat-and-potatoes (take that, Dan Quayle), kitchen-table issues, like the fact that some people, Emily Dickinson for example, choose poetry over blogging. Here is an Emily Dickinson poem. The poem “The Brain Within Its Groove” was obviously inspired by The Groove. Groovsters-in-Chief Rachie and Tommy, as well as all regular readers of The Groove, are humbled. So, staying true to our would-be mission statement, we present the poem “The Brain Within Its Groove,” by Emily Dickinson. One more thing:  You’ll be excited to know that “The Brain Within Its Groove,” by Emily Dickinson, will be immediately followed by an in-depth analysis by Rachie and Tommy. So now, getting right to it, as promised, and in accordance with our nonexistent mission statement, we give you “The Brain Within Its Groove,” by the aforementioned Emily Dickinson:

The Brain Within Its Groove (by Emily Dickinson)

The Brain within its groove

Runs evenly and true;

But let a splinter swerve,

‘T were easier for you

To put the water back

When floods have slit the hills,

And scooped a turnpike for themselves,

And blotted out the mills!

The Groove’s analysis:

The first two lines mean that you’re totally in the groove.

The next five lines are saying that, if you get a splinter, soak it in water before scooping it out.

The last line is saying that, when you’re removing the splinter, keep grooving, and don’t get distracted by mills (nor the thought of mills).

By the way, you have just read a poem within a blog, which is kind of like a taco inside a taco, or like in Mad Men when Jessica Paré portrays Megan Draper, who portrays the maid, Corinne, in a soap opera.

The Groove—you love reading it!!

They Keep the Paths a Sacred Groove, Along Which All Their Lives They Move

Greetings and welcome, Groovsters!!! As you know, The Groove is one hundred percent committed to serving you, our loyal readers, and meeting your high expectations. You might think not posting anything for four years is not the best way to fulfill that commitment. Well, think again. And now, we hope you enjoy Restaurant Review Groove-style. Rachie and Tommy Boy, Editors-in-Chief of The Groove, recently had a conversation about two restaurants, Checkers and Sonic. The gist of the conversation was that neither Tommy nor Rachie has ever been to Checkers or Sonic. Both Tommy and Rachie are more interested in checking out Checkers than Sonic. Tommy’s reason is that years ago his friend Shelly told him that Checkers’ hamburgers are good. Rachie’s reasons are that she imagines, from their commercials, that Checkers’ hamburgers are good, and she likes Checkers’ slogan, “You gotta eat.” Rachie and Tommy think there’s a pretty good chance neither of them will ever go to either place.

Groovsters, if, over the years, The Groove has influenced you in even the smallest way, such as convincing you to convert to a different religion, transition to the opposite sex, or wash your hands every five minutes all day long, then Rachie Pie and Tommy Boy have fulfilled their humble mission.

Finally, if you feel compelled to leave a comment below, please do. We think you’ll find it as easy as climbing Mt. Everest.

To Groove, or Not to Groove...

DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS SENTENCE! Hey, you ignored me, which means—YOU ARE NOW.......READING.......THE GROOVE! If you're new to The Groove, Tommy and Rachie Pie, The Groove's editors-in-chief, say, "Hey there, new reader of The Groove, you've come to the right place, and we over-the-top welcome you with a handshake, hug, kiss, bow, or applause; in other words, whatever you like to have as a greeting." And if you're an old groovster, then you've no doubt (not the pop group featuring Gwen Stefani) already begun grooving, so just sit back, relax, turn off your cell phone, and get ready for God only knows what! Oh yeah, one more thing: if you can't groove with The Groove, you're free to either keep reading The Groove (albeit not grooving with it), stop reading it, or some other possibility if there is one.

The Groove's Slogan

The Groove's slogan could be "No topic too big—no topic too small," but we decided that's too long. We could have shortened it to "No topic too big or small," but that's not that interesting or funny, plus—and this is the main reason we don't have a slogan—we don't want to have a slogan.

The point is, at The Groove (WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW), two people just lay it out there, and you, our loyal readers, chew it up, and then either swallow it or spit it out (or swallow it and then "bring it up" later). The Groove doesn't simply tell you facts about stuff that's going on to inform you or assist you in forming opinions. If we did, we would simply be duplicating the work of Fox News ("We report—you decide"). In contrast, we provide hard-hitting, biased commentary. We......give you......our take on it, AND It (click here).

So now, are you ready to read about what Tommy and Rachie Pie think about stuff? Obviously, The Groove believes in not wasting your time, so let's jump headlong (wanted to use that word even though we may have used it a little incorrectly) into the issues. In "recent" past installments (The Groove sometimes calls posts "installments"), The Groove covered such topics as Priority Club, the Tour de France, the presidential election, Tommy and Rachie Pie's trips to New York and Pittsburgh, and gasoline prices. "How does The Groove decide what issues to tackle?" First of all, all—and we mean ALL—subjects are fair game, so we might, for example, consider discussing (in depth, of course) the latest development in the field of Philosophy, or new agricultural trends in Scandinavia. In this issue, it just so happens, we're thinking about addressing: coffee, E-ZPass, summer barbecues, and Rachie's recent trip to Peru.

Tommy and Rachie Pie really hope you enjoyed this installment of The Groove. Please keep a keen eye open for the next installment of................dum dadadaaah..................THE GROOVE!!!

Special Election Edition

We're back! (Not the 1993 movie about dinosaurs, which is "We're Back!, A Dinosaur's Story," but just simply "We're back!") And boy oh boy oh boy, does it feel good! We miss you, loyal readers. It's been way too long. So—let's get down to business. (I don't got no time to play around, what is this? Must be a circus in town to shut the sh*t down on these clowns. Can I get a witness?)

Anyway, let's actually get down to business. The Groove is proud as a peacock to break the important news that the United States will soon be having a big election in which we will elect a new president.

"Yikes," you're thinking. "What should I do?"

Welp, Tommy and Rachie Pie would like to answer that question—after some reflection—with the injection of an election suggestion, in four parts, Groove-style! But, before we unveil our four-part election prescription, we'd like to mention that some people think it's very important to vote, while some others think it's not at all important and they don't vote. After reading The Groove's election tips (assuming you're still reading this), we think you'll agree that The Groove comes down on the side of being for voting.

And now, presenting ... Election Suggestions, Groove Style!

1) Find out who the candidates are.

2) Do some research and learn where they stand on the issues.

3) Figure out where you stand on the issues.

4) Vote for the candidate whose positions on the issues are most in line with yours.

This is exactly how Tommy and Rachie Pie roll, except for one thing—Rachie Pie is too young to vote, so she leaves out step number 4.

In our July 5 installment, Groovin'—On a Sunday Afternoon, we did a hard-hitting, in depth piece on the high prices of gasoline. Well, since then you've surely noticed that gas prices have gone down. We at The Groove—"we" being...duh!...have been wondering if the lowering of gas prices might be related in some way to the election, and we'd like to hear your thoughts on that. Just kidding. Kidding about that, yes. But not kidding when we say that today is Ben Goldstein's TWENTIETH BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEN (GOLDSTEIN).

Love,

The Groove